when i was younger, i spent a lot of time looking at thinspo blogs like mine. i knew all of the best thinspo xanga pages, livejournals, ect. pages exactly like this one have been apart of my life for a while, but its just now that i’m begining to realize that they are filled with lies. everything that these sites helped me to believe is a complete and total lie.
there was a time when i fully and whole-heartidly believed that being thin would make me happy. i suppose thats what hours of looking at pictures of thin, smiling girls will do to you. i was under the impression that my ability to loose weight would correspond directly to my ability to be happy. once i was thin, i would have it all!! nothing could ever get me down, because no matter what, i was SKINNY…
what i was not prepared for, was the fact that i’d never be skinny. i will never be skinny. and being skinny will never make me happy. i was NOT prepared for that fact that there would be nothing else. there is nothing else. i dont remember what used to make me happy, and i have a hard time believing that there ARE things that can make me happy. i was not prepared of the transition of my bedroom from a nice relaxing space, to a designated “binge,” room that constantly smells like vomit. further more, i was NOT prepared for the fact that my life would be measured in food. i dont remember events because of family, friends, achievements…ect. i remember events because of food and weights and numbers. i couldnt tell you how i felt at my greatgrandmothers funeral, or what my grandfather spoke about during the service but i can tell you with absolute certainty that i weighed 115 lbs. I also dont really remember what it was like the day we brought our puppy home. I’m not sure how she was when we first brought her into the house, and i dont remember the excitement of introducing her to the family…but i do remember that i weighed 100 lbs
high school graduation 143
bestfriends play 119
first day of college 115
last day of dorm-life 107
first day of treatment- 112
dads birthday- 106
i think that the thinspo sites are a lie. i wish they came with a disclaimer. WARNING: pursuit of perfection will lead to misery. maybe i should post that on the side of my tumblr, because afterall… i am running the exact same type of blog that i am so publicly bashing right now…
i wonder if i had seen a disclaimed like that, back then…if i would have ended up differently. i’m not sure if i could have been convinced that selfworth was not determined by weight. and probably, if someone had tried to tell me that i would end up being a lonely, sad, and chubby girl whose life revolves around puking…i wouldnt have believed it. i hope if theres some younger-version of me, running around on these tumblrs…they read this. and i hope it gives them some motivation to get help before it gets un-help-able (new word i’m inventing…)
in anycase, i cling to the security of blogs like this now. i need them. i need this.
